Nothing is as it seems. Period.

"Or, so you believe in conspiracy theories, do you!?" a renowned professor of science asked me one frosty winter morning in Brighton. He wore an amused look borderlined with cynicism on his face, and even though most facial features were covered-up with long white beard hairs, I could still make out a hint of a smile that gradually reflected in his eyes. One releases a little piece of themselves in the most obvious places, always - but believe that it is the obscure that frees them.

It is, for me, these conversations you have with people while seated in simple settings or along the fringes of some high-profiled conference that remain tucked away in the brain some place, rather than profound statements from lectures or presentations you are privilege to in glamour-lit banquet halls almost always organised in precious locations. 

Words have a way of sticking to you - with them, the emotion. I bet your memory can dig out - if you will allow it - words and sometimes even sentences from as far as kindergarten! The subconscious is probably the most feared thing for this very reason, isn't it. Pretty sure science has an evidence-based theory for all this - I really don't care though, because there are some things that cannot be reached by science. They are felt. Science can't feel, or sense - it can detect of course.

My pure Camomile afternoon tea is turning cold under the gentle fan breeze, but I just had to write this blog post first. The rush to pen down thoughts are so strong, you can't stop for anything or anybody, leave alone 100% natural pure Camomile! I dig into my inbox to pull out the words that give me hope to begin this year - they are my inspiration - the reminder of my life's contribution to the world (so I believe).

'Again and again in history

Some special people wake up

They have no ground in the crowd

They move to broader laws

They carry strange customs with them

And demand room for bold and

Audacious actions

The future speaks ruthlessly through them

They change the world' - Maria Rilke Ranier

But, nothing is as it seems now, is it.

"It's like writing your own obituary. I suppose, to look back at it and say, you know, I cared enough to go to these places and write in some way something that would make someone else care as much about it as I did at the time, part of it is you're never going to get to where you're going if you acknowledge fear. I think fear comes later when you've - when it's all over." - the words I closed 2018 with - I heard them, watched the woman speak them and they struck a chord, deep - a place I didn't bother acknowledging, until now. 

The celebrated war correspondent, Marie Colvin - resonated with how Rainer describes special people. Nothing is never as it seems, and special people know this too well.